Best Funny Christmas Poems for the Holiday Season

Short & Funny Christmas Poem
Snowball
~ Shel Silverstein

I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first - it wet the bed!

Short & Funny Christmas Poem
A Chubby Snowman
~ Anon

A chubby little snowman
had a carrot nose.
Along came a bunny,
and what do you suppose?

That hungry little bunny,
looking for some lunch,
Grabbed that snowman's nose,
Nibble, nibble, crunch!

Short & Funny Christmas Poem
Thank You
~ William Church

For your Christmas presents,
I thank you one and all.
For the big ones many thanks,
And fewer for the small.

Short & Funny Christmas Poem
The Funniest Face
~ Anon

The funniest face
looked out at me
From a silver ball
On the Christmas Tree!

At first I thought
It was Santa's elf,
But I looked again and
It was just myself!

Short & Funny Christmas Poem
Once There Was a Snowman
~ Anon

Once there was a snowman,
Who stood outside the door,
He wished that he could come inside,
And run about the floor.
He wished that he could warm himself,
Beside the fire, so red,
He wished that he could climb
Upon the big white bed.

So he called to the North Wind,
"Come and help me, pray,
For I'm completely frozen,
Standing here all day."
So the North Wind came along,
And blew him in the door,
And now there nothing left,
But a puddle on the floor!

Short & Funny Christmas Poem
The Day Before Christmas
~ Anon

We have been helping with the cake,
And licking out the pan,
And wrapping up our packages,
As neatly as we can.
We have hung our stockings up,
Beside the open grate.
And now there's nothing more to do,
Except
To
Wait.

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
New Pants for Christmas
~ Brann Rafferty

In halls decked with holly, and trees all a-glow,
I feasted on goodies, let my inhibitions go,
From gingerbread houses to mulled wine so bold,
I consumed with abandon, in holiday's hold.

Eggnog flowed like a river, a creamy delight,
Pies disappeared faster than stars in the night,
Turkey and stuffing, and oh, the mince pies,
I ate 'til I felt like a stuffed Christmas prize.

Dear Santa, I plead, as the scale gives a sigh,
Bring stretchy new pants and don't ask me why,
For I've eaten like royalty, bursting at seams,
Now I need new attire, for my dining regimes.

So here's to the feasting, our holiday rite,
Merry Christmas to all, let's eat day and night,
With waistbands expanded and spirits held high,
May your holidays be filled with joy and pie!

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
Puppies' Christmas
~ Anon

It's the day before Christmas
And all through the house
The puppies are squeaking
An old rubber mouse.

The wreath which had merrily
Hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces
All over the floor.

The stockings that hung
In a neat little row
Now boast a hole in
Each one of the toes.

The tree was subjected
To bright-eyed whims,
And now, although splendid,
It's missing some limbs.

I catch them and hold them.
"Be good", I insist.
They lick me, then run off
To see what they've missed.

And now as I watch them
The thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit
That Christmas should be.

Should children and puppies
Yet show us the way,
And teach us the joy
That should come with this day?

Could they bring the message
That's written above,
And tell us that, most of all
Christmas is love.

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
A Politically Correct Christmas
~ Anon

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth."

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus
~ Ogden Nash

In Baltimore there lived a boy.
He wasn't anybody's joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes,
His character was full of flaws.

In school he never led his classes,
He hid old ladies' reading glasses,
His mouth was open when he chewed,
And elbows to the table glued.
He stole the milk of hungry kittens,
And walked through doors marked 'no admittance'.
He said he acted thus because
There wasn't any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying 'Boo' at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town,
Sideways instead of up and down.
Yet people pardoned every sin,
And viewed his antics with a grin,
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,
'There isn't any Santa Claus!'

Deploring how he did behave,
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly,
And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,
He sped to spread the rumor wild:
'Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes
There isn't any Santa Claus!'
Slunk like a weasel of a marten
Through nursery and kindergarten,
Whispering low to every tot,
'There isn't any, no there's not!'
The children wept all Christmas eve
And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared hang up his stocking
For fear of Jabez' ribald mocking.

He sprawled on his untidy bed,
Fresh malice dancing in his head,
When presently with scalp-a-tingling,
Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof
Crisply alighting on the roof.
What good to rise and bar the door?
A shower of soot was on the floor.

What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?
The fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Then Jabez fell upon his knees
With cries of 'Don't,' and 'Pretty Please.'
He howled, 'I don't know where you read it,
But anyhow, I never said it!'
'Jabez' replied the angry saint,
'It isn't I, it's you that ain't.
Although there is a Santa Claus,
There isn't any Jabez Dawes!'

Said Jabez then with impudent vim,
'Oh, yes there is, and I am him!
Your magic don't scare me, it doesn't'
And suddenly he found he wasn't!
From grimy feet to grimy locks,
Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,
An ugly toy with springs unsprung,
Forever sticking out his tongue.

The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;
They searched for him, but not with zeal.
No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,
Which led to thunderous applause,
And people drank a loving cup
And went and hung their stockings up.
All you who sneer at Santa Claus,
Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
The saucy boy who mocked the saint.
Donner and Blitzen licked off his paint.

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
A Very Zany Christmas: Ode to my Family
~ Meagan Tuffley

In halls decked out with tinsel's glee,
Christmas kinfolk gather, such a sight to see,
A zany crew, each with their own flair,
Relatives at Yuletide, a hilarious affair.

Uncle Jokes-a-Lot, pun master supreme,
Cracks cheesy lines, like a comedy dream,
Aunt Over-Share's stories, oh so grand,
TMI moments, you must understand.

Cousin Selfie-Addict, camera always in hand,
Posing non-stop, it's like a one-person band,
Grandma Tech-Challenged, facing gadgetry's wave,
Buttons confuse her, but she's stubbornly brave

Nephew Whirling Dervish, a zany child,
Around the room, like a tornado wild,
Singing Sibling belts carols, oh so bold,
Out of tune but spirited, a din to behold.

Pet-Obsessed Relative brings critters in tow,
Dogs, cats, and a parrot in the flow,
Distant Relative Historian, tales of yore,
Long-forgotten stories, from the family lore.

In this festive tapestry, quirks take flight,
Laughter and love, woven in just right,
Embracing the chaos, the jokes, and the cheer,
Together we toast, to the end of the year.

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
Crazy Socks: A Christmas List
~ Taloula Moretti

In aisles adorned with tinsel bright,
I embarked on a shopping flight,
To find gifts that would spread delight,
For loved ones on this Christmas night.
My husband's gift, a laugh to seize,
A fart machine to prank with ease,
Remote controlled, it's sure to please,
His chuckles echoing like a breeze.

For teenage son with dreams so wide,
A "How to Adult" book, guide,
With laughs and wisdom side by side,
To conquer life's swirling tide.
My daughter, college bound so fast,
A survival kit that's meant to last,
Noodles, coffee, quips amassed,
To help her through studies vast.

Best friend, my partner in all crime,
A meme calendar for laughter prime,
Inside jokes dancing in rhyme,
Moments captured, frozen in time.
Mom's mug declares her daily feat,
"Mom Fuel" it says, a morning treat,
With laughter, love, her heart will beat,
As coffee flows in rhythms sweet.
My brother's socks, a crazy flair,
Patterns wild beyond compare,
He'll strut around without a care,
His feet dressed in a comical pair.

For mother-in-law, oh so dear,
An oven mitt adorned with cheer,
A wink to show she's loved and near,
In this gifting dance, we steer.
So down the aisles, my laughter spun,
Gifts for all, each chosen one,
In Christmas spirit, joy begun,
A shopping tale, forever spun.

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
The Twelve Days of Christmas Drinks
~ Sherrie Hobbes

The first day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The second day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The third day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The fourth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The fifth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The sixth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The seventh day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swirling martinis,
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The eighth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Eight maids a-mixing margaritas,
Seven swans a-swirling martinis,
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The ninth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Nine drummers drinking daiquiris,
Eight maids a-mixing margaritas,
Seven swans a-swirling martinis,
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The tenth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Ten pipers sipping piña coladas,
Nine drummers drinking daiquiris,
Eight maids a-mixing margaritas,
Seven swans a-swirling martinis,
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Eleven ladies lounging with Long Island iced teas,
Ten pipers sipping piña coladas,
Nine drummers drinking daiquiris,
Eight maids a-mixing margaritas,
Seven swans a-swirling martinis,
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

The twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Twelve fiddlers full of fruity sangrias,
Eleven ladies lounging with Long Island iced teas,
Ten pipers sipping piña coladas,
Nine drummers drinking daiquiris,
Eight maids a-mixing margaritas,
Seven swans a-swirling martinis,
Six geese for laying cocktails,
Five golden beers,
Four frothy ales,
Three mulled wines,
Two spiced rums, and
A pint of stout in a pear tree.

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
A Naughty Little Christmas
~ Louie Clyborne

In a frosty North Pole so merry and bright,
Santa and his wife were working all night,
Presents all packed, they checked them twice,
Then went inside to sprinkle some spice.

Mr and Mrs Elf laughed, their smiles so wide,
Stacking the gifts, their joy couldn't hide,
In the sleigh, presents piled high,
Anticipation twinkled in every eye.

Milk and cookies awaited by the fireside,
A sweet tradition as time did slide,
"Goodnight" they said, with a twinkle in sight,
Santa and his wife, as stars shone bright.

Now for the grown-ups, two jokes in the air,
One for the special lives they both share,
And when kids are tucked in their cozy beds tight,
A special present to open, with laughter alight.

So here's to the magic, both naughty and nice,
May your Christmas be filled with joy and with spice,
With Santa's warm chuckle, and his wife's glee,
Merry Christmas to all, from the young to the free!

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
Tipsy Bells, Tipsy Bells
~ Kip Alderidge

Stumbling through the snow,
In a slightly tipsy sleigh,
O'er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way.
Bottles clinking, folks in haze,
Making spirits light,
What fun it is to sway and sing,
A tipsy song tonight, oh!

Tipsy bells, tipsy bells,
Swinging all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a merry, wobbly sleigh, hey!
Tipsy bells, tipsy bells,
Swinging all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a merry, wobbly sleigh.

Now the ground is spinning,
Go while you're still spry,
Take along the friend's you've made,
Sing this tipsy cry.
Get a staggerin' bay,
Whose pace is rather wild,
Hitch him to the tipsy sleigh,
And let the night beguile.

Oh, tipsy bells, tipsy bells,
Swinging all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a merry, wobbly sleigh, hey!
Tipsy bells, tipsy bells,
Swinging all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a merry, wobbly sleigh.

Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a merry, wobbly sleigh!

Longer Funny Christmas Poem
Nick, the Clumsy Santa
~ Nathaniel Kottmeyer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall the most clumsy one of all?
Nick the Clumsy Santa,
Fumbling through the Christmas scene,
And if you ever saw him,
You'd see just what we mean.

All the reindeer and the elves,
Keep their suits so clean and bright,
But Santa's coat is smudged with soot,
As from the chimneys he takes flight.

Then one snowy Christmas Eve,
Santa shuffled through the door,
Dropping gifts and knocking things,
Spreading joy and so much more!

Oh how the stockings swayed,
With each stumble and each fall,
Nick the Clumsy Santa,
Sprinkling cheer throughout the hall!

His boots in fresh-fallen snow,
His beard with cookie crumb,
For the joy of Christmas cheer,
Turns each mess into cheerful fun.

As he climbed back up the chimney,
Leaving traces of his flight,
Bits of tinsel in his hair,
And a twinkle in his eyes.

And how we cherished every spot,
A reminder of his spree,
Nick the Clumsy Santa,
Bringing giggles 'neath the tree!

So here's to Santa's clumsy show,
Fumbling through the ice and snow,
On his travels, far and wide,
Spreading mirth this Yuletide!

Funny Christmas Poem / Song
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
~ John Rox

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage
I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Funny Christmas Poem / Song
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
~ Randy Brooks

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog
And we'd begged her not to go
But she'd left her medication
So she stumbled out the door into the snow

When they found her Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He's been takin' this so well
See him in there watchin' football
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle

It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And a blue and silver candle
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig

I've warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!